The Italian army doesn’t get a lot of credit. Whenever you hear about ‘em, they’re thought of as the dudes who got their butts handed to them by a few especially angry African dudes with sticks, or the dudes who got utterly humiliated in the North African desert. But I think I’ve come up with a pretty decent litmus test for historical knowledge – the more you rag on the Italians, the less you know.
In love, in life, even in the biggest war in the history of planet earth – you can only be expected to do as well as the resources you’re given. Sure, there are people who rise up from nothing, do amazing things with the itty bitty bit that life gives them – we call those people gifted. And some people are granted tremendous opportunity and still manage to fail at every step of the way – and for the next couple of months, we call those people Mr. President. But that’s life. The vast majority of people put out more or less exactly what they put in. Poor people stay poor. Rich people stay rich. Guys with smart parents become smart. Jessica Simpson’s kids probably won’t become Rhodes Scholars – and there’s really no shame in any of that.
So, back to the Italians. In WW2, they made efforts to secure North Africa, fighting against British forces in the region – and they were throttled. Now this could be because the Italian people are genetically disposed against being badass killing machines, but repeated viewings of Goodfellas and the fourth season of The Sopranos suggest otherwise. So, take a bit of a closer look. Not at the people… but at the equipment. Know what kind of rations those Italian troops were getting as they fought? Pasta. Know what you need to turn dry shipped pasta into a delicious battlefield treat? Water.
And what is there fucking none of in the Sahara Desert?
Exactly.
What you had in North Africa was a group of people trying to win a war on a empty stomach fighting for a guy that most of them didn’t like all that much anyway. Desertion was… well, it was pretty much on the epic scale you tend to get when you don’t have grub and the enemy does, which probably had a circle the drains type effect on morale. You say the Italians aren’t good soldiers, I say It’s Friggin’ Pasta.
You give me an Italian cop or UN dispatch or whatever they’ve got out there with a full stomach and a decent weapon, and I’ll put him against your loudmouthed blogger or your tweed wearing historian… and I will win every single time, unless your tweed wearing historian is Indiana Jones.
And with that in mind:
http://www.grammy.com/grammy_awards/51st_show/list.aspx
BEST NEW ARTIST
Adele
Duffy
The Jonas Brothers
Lady Antebellum
Jazmine SullivanALBUM OF THE YEAR
Alison Krauss & Robert Plant, Raising Sand
Coldplay, Viva La Vida
Ne-Yo, Year Of The Gentleman
Lil Wayne, Tha Carter III
Radiohead, In RainbowsBEST ALTERNATIVE ALBUM
Beck, Modern Guilt
Death Cab For Cutie, Narrow Stairs
Gnarls Barkley, The Odd Couple
My Morning Jacket, Evil Urges
Radiohead, In RainbowsBEST HARD ROCK PERFORMANCE
Disturbed, “Inside The Fire”
Judas Priest, “Visions”
The Mars Volta, “Wax Simulacra”
Motley Crue, “Saints Of Los Angeles”
Rob Zombie, “Lords Of Salem”BEST METAL PERFORMANCE
Dragonforce, “Heroes Of Our Time”
Judas Priest, “Nostradamus”
Metallica, “My Apocalypse”
Ministry, “Under My Thumb”
Slipknot, “Psychosocial”BEST POP COLLABORATION WITH VOCALS
Alicia Keys and John Mayer, “Lessons Learned”
Madonna, Justin Timberlake, and Timbaland, “4 Minutes”
Robert Plant and Alison Krauss, “Rich Woman”
Rihanna and Maroon 5, “If I Never See Your Face Again”
Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown, “No Air”BEST POP PERFORMANCE, FEMALE
Adele, “Chasing Pavements”
Sara Bareilles, “Love Song”
Duffy, “Mercy”
Leona Lewis, “Bleeding Love”
Katy Perry, “I Kissed A Girl”
Pink, “So What”BEST POP PERFORMANCE, MALE
Kid Rock, “All Summer Long”
John Mayer, “Say”
Paul McCartney, “That Was Me”
Jason Mraz, “I’m Yours”
Ne-Yo, “Closer”
James Taylor, “Wichita Lineman”BEST POP PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCALS
Coldplay, “Viva La Vida”
Eagles, “Waiting In The Weeds”
Gnarls Barkle, “Going On”
Maroon 5, “Won’t Go Home Without You”
OneRepublic, “Apologize”BEST RAP PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP
Big Boi feat. Raekwon & Andre 3000, “Royal Flush”
(Taylor couldn’t pronounce “Raekwon” quite right. Aw.)
T.I. feat. Kanye West & Lil Wayne, “Swagger Like Us”
Lil Wayne feat. Jay-Z, “Mr Carter”
Ludacris feat. T.I., “Wish You Would”
Young Jeezy feat. Kanye West, “Put On”BEST RAP/SUNG COLLABORATION
Estelle feat. Kanye West, “American Boy”
Flo Rida feat. T-Pain, “Low”
John Legend feat. Andre 3000, “Green Light”
Lil Wayne feat. T-Pain, “Got Money”
Lupe Fiasco feat. Matthew Santos, “Superstar”BEST ROCK ALBUM
Coldplay, Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends
Kid Rock, Rock N Roll Jesus
Kings Of Leon, Only By The Night
Metallica, Death Magnetic
Raconteurs, Consolers Of The LonelyBEST ROCK SONG
Bruce Springsteen, “Girls In Their Summer Clothes”
Radiohead, “House Of Cards”
Death Cab For Cutie, “I Will Possess Your Heart”
Kings Of Leon, “Sex On Fire”
Coldplay, “Violet Hill”BEST SOUNDTRACK
American Gangster
August Rush
Juno
Mamma Mia!
Sweeney Todd—The Demon Barber Of Fleet StreetSONG OF THE YEAR
“American Boy,” William Adams, Keith Harris, Josh Lopez, Caleb Speir, John Stephens, Estelle Swaray & Kanye West, songwriters (Estelle Featuring Kanye West, artist)
“Chasing Pavements,” Adele Adkins & Eg White, songwriters (Adele, artist)
“I’m Yours,” Jason Mraz, songwriter (Jason Mraz, artist)
“Love Song,” Sara Bareilles, songwriter (Sara Bareilles, artist)
“Viva La Vida,” Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland, Will Champion & Chris Martin, songwriters (Coldplay, artist)RECORD OF THE YEAR
Adele, “Chasing Pavements”
Coldplay, “Viva La Vida”
Leona Lewis, “Bleeding Love”
M.I.A., “Paper Planes”
Robert Plant and Alison Kraus, “Please Read The Letter”
While I have thoughts about the Grammy nominations (mainly on whether they’re gonna give Weezy his Best Album), I think It’s important to remember what those poor Grammy people have to worth with before mocking it as a waste of time. Is this really the best music released this year? No. But it’s what was commercially available this year, and this is what most of you were listening to before you became all leet and scene. Lighten up.
It’s pasta!
Tags: Echo Chamber, Grammy Awards