The movie Notorious came out, eh, a couple of weeks ago, and while it reeked of the stench that usually comes with whitewashed, estate-approved biographies, it was surprisingly decent for an artistic creation with Puffy’s name attached to it.
There’s nothing wrong with Biggie getting a movie, but there’s a load of stories in the music world so crazy, so interesting, and so goddamned badass that they put Biggie’s to shame. Since studio execs drop by our website like, all the time, we talked over a few drinks and made a list of the ten artists who deserved it most. In our infinite helpfulosity, we’ve brought together the ideal stars for these flicks, as well. Without any further ado, ado…
10. Micheal Jackson
The Title: Thriller!, of course.
The Pitch: Are you joking? Little Micheal Jackson is plucked from poverty to become the adorable little frontman for one of the biggest musical groups of all time. But he’s also plucked from his childhood by his abusive and batnuts crazy dad. The asswhippings Joe Jackson put on his kids could probably make a movie by itself. It’d be some awful comedy/horror hybrid, and it wouldn’t be of value to anyone but torture fetishists, but that didn’t hurt Passion of the Christ any.
Breaking away from the Jackson 5, struggling to pry his profits away from the record companies, screwing over Paul McCartney, hiding his vitiligo, Lisa Marie Presley… Micheal Jackson’s life has been so crazy that you’ve probably forgotten half of the movie worthy stuff he’s done over the years.
The Star: Jack White. He’s got the texture, he’s got the cheekbones, he’s got the silky hair. Teach this white boy to dance and let’s make some money!
Johnny Depp could probably pull it off too.
9. Willie Nelson
The Title: Outlaw sums him up pretty well.
The Pitch: Instead of wasting time with Willie’s childhood, it’s a fish out of water story, plopping Nashville songwriter Willie Nelson in the middle of Austin. He gets a wakeup call, fighting through the culture shock of the nutty Austin hippies and developing a sound all his own. He changes, adjusts, hooks up with Kristofferson and Co, then comes back to Nashville, fighting the entrenched Nashville machine and crossing cultural barriers.
Oh, and also pot. It didn’t happen exactly like that, but pissing all over an artists actual history for the sake of a good flick is what movies are all about!
The Star: Sean Bean. Sure, we think of Willie as a grizzled old man, but remember that this movie would take place at least 100 years ago, when Willie was young and vibrant.
8. The Mighty Hannibal
The Title: Hymn Number Five. Duh.
The Pitch: I’m a little bit biased because I’m from Atlanta. But James Shaw was in the same circle as Sammy Davis Jr, James Brown, Little Richard, Muhammad Ali, all the names from the era, and it’s a shame the turban wearing singer doesn’t get a little more love from history. He integrates white clubs in the 60’s, plays with white band members, and he did it in the deep south during the segregation era. Brash, outspoken, confrontational, and despite a long sting of hits behind him, he was banned from radio once he went overtly political. There’s even the Hollywood comeback story – Hannibal just started going back on the road last year. Yeah, nobody would go see this movie, and Hannibal wouldn’t do Today, but I’d sure as hell go. The man was like the Jack Johnson of the music world, except without the whole locking white women in hotels thing.
The Star: When I think of Hannibal’s way of telling a little too much truth and making people hella fucking uncomfortable, I think of Paul Mooney. He looks kinda similar, too. Good deal.
7. Marianne Faithful
The Title: Easy Come, Easy Go.
The Stars: Kate Moss and Glenn Close.
The Pitch: The pitch comes second for this one, because the dual starring vehicle is part of the concept. You’ve gotta open with Kate Moss, wrapped in a fur rug, covered in drugs with a candy bar sticking out of her vagina. Marianne Faithful is pretty much the most famous groupie of all time, and like Willie, she could probably use the dough. This would be a sickening, depraved movie, what with all the drugs, sex, swearing and loud music.
Glenn Close would be just the right person to class this flick up. Intercut with Kate Moss’ nutbar antics, we’d have Close as the older, more mature, but no less cynical Faithfull, interacting with the people she’s screwed (metaphorically and literally) as she gets her life back to something loosely resembling “on track” as she exits yet another stint in rehab.
6. Sam Cooke
The Title: Let’s be crazy and call it… Sam Cooke.
The pitch: The man was a visionary, not because of his music, but because of his ability to anticipate the bumps in the road ahead as an artist and as a black man, and adapting himself to meet those challenges. Cooke’s movie wouldn’t show him as just a talented musician. He was a trailblazer in the business world too. He had the vision to start his own label, not just as a vanity (in fact, he wasn’t even on SAR Records), but pulling in folks like Bobby Womack. He broke free of his parents gospel influences to make work that spoke to the wider world at a time it was really needed.
And of course, he got gunned at way too young an age, but as controversial and senseless as his death was, I don’t think I’d make the conspiracy theories the focus of the movie – or even include it.
The Star: You know, I’m all about giving obscure black actors jobs. Let’s go TC Carson, I havent seen him in anything in a long time. And after Googling him, it turns out he’s a damn good singer, too! Perfect!
5. Kurt Cobain
The Title: Serve The Servants.
The Pitch: I think Kurt Cobain’s life story would be a really hard one to tell on screen. Even without Courney Love looming over the movie, Cobain had serious mental issues – he saw the world so much differently than others that if you told his story straight up, most would probably leave the theater thinking “that dude was weird”. Not cool.
So let’s start the story after his death. Pile Courney Love, Dave Grohl, Steve Albini, David Yow, and whoever else in to talk to the cameras confessional style, while the movie shows their individual versions of events, like a new school Rashomon, sometimes directly contradicting each other. Of course, in this one, there wouldn’t be any quick answers or simple endings. Messy, ambiguous, and somehow gripping – pretty much like Nirvana’s catalog.
The Star: Joe Anderson. Sure, Wes Scantlin sounds just like him, but I don’t think the Puddle Of Mudd guy should get any more encouragement, do you?
Ed – In lieu of that inevitable picture of Cobain all 
on the cover of Rolling Stone, here’s a link to atotally unrelated LOLCat.
4. Frank Zappa
The Title: Paperwork and Nostalgia.
The Pitch: I cannot think of a more prolific musician than Frank Zappa. The man released one or two records every year up to and beyond his death. His views and his music were equal parts goofy, abrasive, and challenging. If you’ve seen Phase II, you know there are enough war stories out there to fill a couple of flicks.
The Star: I’m not sure if anyone can do Frank Zappa – he was so full of quirks that it would take a master. And will you look, I would one. This is exactly the kind of role Daniel Day Lewis would love to sink his teeth into. It’d be the unstoppable force and the immovable object of the acting world.
3. Jay-Z
The Title: Streets Is Watching? Dynasty? This will be a big movie no matter what you call it.
The Pitch: Sorta like American Gangster, but with hip-hop instead of… y’know, poisoning your own neighborhood with drugs. Basically, we’ve heard the hustler ethic preached in rap a lot in the last few years. Jay’s biography would be perfect for putting it into film – like a how to for upwards mobility. Jay’s life has all the elements of a Hollywood movie. A tough start, childhood tragedy, a little sucess, setbacks, starting from the bottom and setting new priorities. The drama of moving up the ranks of the high powered rap industry is just as interesting s his life on the streets of New York. Rags to riches to um… even more riches! That’s the kind of underdog story that moves units!
But this movie should be different from Hollywood movies in one area : no romantic interest. No disrespect to Beyonce, but what makes Jay such a powerful figure is the swagger and self reliance that brought him to the top.
And the soundtrack? Damn.
The Star: Kanye West. Think about it.
2. Bob Marley
The Title: Catch A Fire. Legend is too obvious.
The Pitch: Man, have you read Catch A Fire? I don’t know why the hell they haven’t made a Bob Marley movie yet, but whoever’s holding it up needs to be punched in the nuts. The son of a teenage mother and a friggin overseer, a lot of people like Bob Marley, but I don’t get the sense that they know his story – there was more to it than just being at the center of reggae and doing lots of pot. His time in Ethiopia and his relationships, with Rita Anderson, with The Wailers, with God – the long story leading all the way up to the attempt on his life… it could bring in a new generation if it was done right.
The Star: Julian Marley. He looks and acts almost uncanilly like his old man.
1. James Brown
The Title: Please, Please, Please!
The Pitch: Another great movie that’s getting held up because of a triflin’ estate. James Brown was the best dancer, the best live performers, one of the best singers, a perfectionist, a beast in the studio, the godfather of soul and the hardest working man in showbiz. Like Marley, he’s somebody who becomes more interesting the harder you look. Like Micheal Jackson, he doesn’t need any gimmicks to sell his story. He went from playing in whorehouses and shooting it out in clubs (seriously) to selling out stadiums. You could probably draw a little comedy out of his habit of fining band members for screwups, too. What’s to say? The man was old school.
The Star: Cuba Gooding Jr. He hasn’t been in a good movie in forever.
HEY!