If your first thought was “all of them, except the ones that some skinny Japanese developer cooked up on his MIDI for the express purpose of being played behind his awful, awful game”, then congratulations, you have an iota of common sense, which is more than I can say for the legions of drool wipers out there who have apparently set out on a mission to set every song in the history of recorded music to a Kingdom Hearts cutscene. Kingdom Hearts, for those lucky few who haven’t heard of it, is a Playstation game where characters from cheesy Japanese RPG’s make friends with Mickey Mouse and Simba in between fighting each other with giant keys (no, seriously) – it’s touched the lives of so many dateless wonders with Windows Movie Maker that YouTube’s been clogged with people editing together scenes from this game with their favorite (read: some incredibly awful) music. Due to a challenge from an online buddy and my own irrepressible masochism, I decided to browse through the tubes and come up with the most awful Kingdom Hearts AMV’s of the bunch.

10. Nirvana – Rape Me

Yeah, I was talking to the ghost of Kurt Cobain just a few hours ago and he was talking about how it was always a dream to have his tracks turned into semi-coherent punchlines for awful homemade videos with low production values starring homoerotic anime characters. Despite that, he says this video has turned those dreams into a nightmare. For sheer conceptual failure, it earns a spot.

its noottt tthhhaattt bad… well maybe it is haha

I swear man, we’ve got to stop letting “I was drunk” be an excuse for idiocy! When someone drives drunk and murders a baby, we don’t let them off the hook, do we? And this dude is murdering Kurt Cobain’s back catalog, which I think is easily worth a few dozen dead babies.

And some pregnant chicks.

9. Nine Inch Nails – Just Like You Imagined

I think 300 has been around long enough that we can scar your memories of that great, great, great motion picture. I know, I know, it’s interchangeable. You say Leonidas, I say Sora, you say The Persian Horde, I say some Weaksauce Cartoon Characters. You say 300 Badass Warriors, I say some soft punks straight off Walt Disney’s pen. Its all good.

If your stomach is strong enough to actually watch these videos, you’ll notice that dark whispering hood guy pops up a lot. You know, when it’s time to be dark and serious.

8. Evanescence – Going Under

This, ladies and genlemen, is the typical Kingdom Hearts music video. Anime characters looking sad and earnest, laid over some ballads that are so boring that it’s a surprise that the sad human being who put these videos together was able to stay awake for the production. Literally, 23% of YouTube videos are Kingdom Hearts songs set to Going Under. And you’d think they’d all get together and decide on a definitive version and save themselves the trouble, but it turns out all these Cheeto eaters have their own creative visions revolving around the same song and the same 10 clips. And they’re all awful.

7. Senses Fail – Calling All Cars

Gentle Reader: if you love me and want to create a sort of monument in my honor (and I wouldn’t be surprised, as awesome as I am), you’ve got a lot of options. You can write the biggest, longest comment ever right below this post! You can send me some MP3s. You can even send me a heartfelt letter of appreciation, or write an article for the site. But by all means, PLEASE DO NOT create a Senses Fail video and associate me with it in any way. My favorite part of this video (which again, is like asking Nat Turner his favorite part of slavery) is how it’s been clipped together to make it look like the characters are singing. Yeah that’s right. All these fictional characters are pantswetting emos, just like you. Make sure to buy Kingdom Hearts 3! Or 4, or whatever they’re on. Shmucks.

6. Lil Jon – Girl Fight

Another one in the field of video game characters doing the American Idol thing to awful, awful songs. There are two things worth noting here : one, that this is another video that feels the need to clarify that they do not own Kingdom Hearts or the music of anyone involved, as that’s some sort of magical piracy deterring spray. Second, the creepy, creepy comments on the page below. Attention nerds : if you’re going to lust after unattainable women, at least do it like a normal person. They’re called actresses.

5. Soulja Boi – That One Song Soulja Boi Sings

Oh man, OK, so making fun of both Kingdom Hearts, the people who make Kingdom Hearts videos, and Soulja Boi seems like it’s beneath my immense talents, but look, I’m going to do it anyway.
First of all, I love the prestigious opening, as if we’re going to watch an Oscar winning film and not a stupid piece of YouTube garbage. . And once the guy from Tron beams in with Donald Duck yelling YOOOOU, we’ve pretty much set the tenor of the complete absurdity we’re gonna witness for the next few minutes. Mostly the same three clips of Kingdom Hearts characters pointing at each other and noddling messily edited together. Turns out “The Soulja Boi” in this universe is shooting out lighting farts out of your palms and yelling. Who would have thunk? Worth watching all the way through, just for Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck giving hugs and flying through the air.

4. 30 Seconds To Mars – Attack

From a technical perspective, this is actually a pretty good video. However, consider this as you watch it. Someone spent three weeks painstakingly gluing these clips and transitions together. Do you know what you can do in three weeks? You can see hundreds of the greatest movies ever made, experiences that’ll last a lifetime. You can lose 20 pounds, if you just drink juice. You can actually play all the Kingdom Hearts games instead of inflicting this madness upon the rest of the world… you could watch 21 seasons of 24!

And I love the credits at the end. You know, I know of a place that’ll do all that automatically without wasting 30 seconds of time. It’s called YouTube.

3. Tenacious D – The Metal

I know what you’re thinking. If Satan beat you up, chained to a Rape Stove (the stove that rapes people) in hell, and forced you to make one of these videos, you would probably choose a song like The Metal. It’s obviously over the top, it’s fun, you can smash together some clips of guys swinging their giant keys at each other and call it a day. But, just like most satire, this only points out the ridiculousness of the subject. As the slow motion breakdown kicks in and Donald Duck and Goofy are having an epic showdown with monsters, you realize that this is not the sort of thing you can pawn off to irony in front of your friends. You have created something unthinkably stupid.

And your punishment shall be eternal.

2. Sawa – Twister

Man, for pure ballsiness, I have to give it to “HKFreak92″ for plastering her/his name all over the opening of the video. Usually when someone commits an atrocity on this scale they want to cover it up as much as possible (see Trials, Nuremberg). As you watch this video, you can almost imagine some pencil necked mountain dew swilling chimp screaming “I WAS JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS”, but if you’re anything like me (have eyes, ears), it won’t make the burning stop. This feels less like a music video than an attempt to induce false memories for some Vietnam style flashback years down the road. OH GOD HE CUT ME WITH A KEY! Also, AWFUL TECHNO MUSIC!

1. Coldplay – Viva La Vida

Man, this one is such a symphony of awful that I’m not exactly sure where to start. The crappy wipe transition for the opening credits? Someone actually using “SuckMyKeyblade” as their credit (I told you, man! They fight with freaking keys!)? The nausea inducing jump cuts that seem designed for pretension and epilepsy? Personally, I think I like the giant Coldplay lyrics plastered all over the video. For starters, it shields your eyes from the horror show on the screen, and it allows you to treasure such poignant lyrics as “Ohhhhh Ohhh Ohhh Ohhh” for all they’re worth. Bonus lulz if you click through and read the comments. “COLDPLAY RAWKZ” and “1 word: perfection” and other gaspings of the mentally handicapped.

Tags: epic fail

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 16th, 2009 at 6:18 pm and is filed under Rants, Top Ten . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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